Save Yourself
by Cheyne
Summary: Ken's in love with Aya, but the redhead seems determined to stay alone. Rated R for language. Contains shounen-ai, angst, etc.


Okay, first of all I'd like to thank EVERYONE who wrote me. This story has gotten me more feedback than any other I have written! *^^* However, I know that lots of you were unhappy with the ending. Know what? I am too! So, I'm taking writer's liberty and rewriting the ending. I was very rushed for time and I made the mistake of slapping something on and sending it off. That was stupid. I apologize! Here's hoping that draft 2 will end up being better. ^.~  
  
Notes: Shounen-ai, angst angst angst angst. Lyrics by Stabbing Westward.  
  
******  
Save Yourself  
******  
  
//I know your life is empty and you hate to face this world alone  
So you're searching for a angel, someone who can make you whole//  
  
Icy violet eyes bore into tortured emerald as Aya felt himself tense at Ken's words. "What?" he asked in a dangerously soft voice.  
"I said, I love you!" Ken replied vehemenantly, his hands clenched into fists by his sides. "And God help me, I don't know why I love a bastard like you, and I hate myself for it, but there it is!"  
Aya stared at him. "Why me?" he finally managed to get out. "I'm a -man-, Ken!"  
"I don't care!" Ken cried. "Do you think I asked for this? Do you think I -asked- to fall in love with you? I wish I hadn't! I wish I'd never met you!"  
The redhead simply stood still while Ken vented at him. "Are you finished?" he asked softly, his voice cold steel. "If you are, then leave."  
Ken gritted his teeth. "Don't you care?"  
"No." Aya replied, turning his back on the younger boy. "I'm not a man who deserves love from anyone. Especially not someone like you."  
"What's THAT supposed to mean?" Ken snapped.  
"I mean what I said." Aya responded. "Get out, Ken!"  
  
  
//I cannot save you.  
I can't even save myself!  
So just save yourself!//  
  
"You're afraid," Ken snarled. "I've seen something in you that you never wanted anyone to see, -RAN-."  
Aya flinched at the use of his real name and spun around, anger surging through him. "Don't call me that!" he yelled. "Ran is dead!"  
"That's what you say!" Ken yelled back. "You're too scared to live your own life, so you took your sister's name, and now you're tarnishing it. At least the REST of us have the guts to stain our OWN names!"  
Aya shook with rage. "Stop it, Ken," he hissed. "Stop while you're ahead and get out!"  
Ken took a step closer, raising a fist as if to strike the redhead. "Admit I'm right!" he hollored. "Admit that you're afraid to care about someone!"  
"I'm not afraid!" Aya said, shaking his head. "I don't have any love to give ANYONE. Not you, or any other person in the world!"  
Ken snorted. "Beautiful excuse, Aya," he muttered, his anger burning out like a candle deprived of oxygen. "Why won't you..?  
  
//Now that you've been damaged your soul has suffered such abuse  
I am not your savior, I am just as -fucked- as you!//  
  
"You aren't looking for love in me," Aya said flatly, staring him down. "You're trying to replace Kase. I won't be a replacement for anyone."  
Ken's eyes widened, then narrowed. "You're wrong," he insisted lowly. "It's YOU I want. It's YOU I love."  
Aya shook his head. "No it's not," he muttered. "I saw it in your eyes when you looked at me, after you killed him."  
"YOU'RE LYING!" Ken screamed, tears spilling over. He lept forward and backhanded Aya, sending him sprawling across his bed. "Stop SAYING those things!"  
Aya raised a hand to his stinging cheek and glared up at the infuriated soccer player. "What makes you think I can replace him?" he demanded. "I'm just as fucked as you, Ken! I'm NOTHING compared to you. You have your whole LIFE ahead of you, and all I am is a killer. I have NOBODY but my sister, and you have Yuriko. At least SHE'S awake!"  
"You're wrong," Ken said, shaking his head, tears still spilling down his cheeks. "You're wrong. She doesn't want me, not really. She left for Australia today, you know. She left me, and I let her go. After all, how could I hold her again, knowing what I've done in the past?"  
"That doesn't change the fact that you loved her," Aya said flatly. "I never had that luxury. I didn't want it. I still don't want it. I don't want you, Ken."  
Ken grit his teeth and clenched his fists again. "I won't leave until you give me a good reason," he snarled. "I swear it, Aya!"  
  
//I cannot save you.  
I can't even save myself!  
So just save yourself!//  
  
"What do you WANT?" the redhead exploded, jumping up to stare him down, using his height to his advantage.   
"I've told you," Ken said softly. "I want you. I want to love you, and I want you to love me."  
"How many times do I have to tell you?" Aya asked quietly. "I can't save you from your own demons, Ken. I can't save myself from mine. Stay alone. It's safer."  
Ken reached out and grabbed his hand. "I don't want to stay alone!"  
Aya glared at him. "What will you do if I die tomorrow, Ken?" he snarled. "What will you do if I die on a mission, or if I kill myself?"  
Ken stared at him, shocked. "Kill.. yourself?" he breathed.  
He shook his head and shrugged. "I'm only using examples," he said. "We could crack at any time. I could die, you could die, the whole fucking WORLD could die. And then what would you do? At least this way, if I die, it won't hurt you as much."  
"It won't?" Ken asked miserably. "How do you know?"  
Aya gritted his teeth. "I just know," he hissed. "Will you PLEASE leave?"  
  
//Please don't take pity on me!//  
  
Ken stared at him. "I understand now, I think," he breathed. "You -are- afraid. You're afraid to lose me if I die."  
"I'm not!" Aya snapped, turning away from him. "I don't want to get involved with anyone. Period."  
"I'm sorry," Ken said sorrowfully. "That's sad, Aya. You're too afraid of losing someone to love anyone else. I pity you."  
"Don't," Aya growled. "I don't want your pity. I don't want anyone's pity. Go away!"  
  
//My life has been a nightmare, my soul is fractured to the bone.  
If I must be lonely I think I'd rather be alone.//  
  
Ken shook his head. "Why do you want to be alone so badly?" he asked. "Why?"  
"Because it's how I should live," Aya growled. "I don't want to be connected to anyone. I want to be alone. Now and forever."  
Ken sighed and closed his eyes, then turned away. "Fine," he said lowly. "I'll leave you. But remember what I said." He left, shutting the door quietly behind him.  
Aya dropped onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling, his cheek still stinging from Ken's slap. He closed his eyes momentarily, then opened them again. A surge of fear crashed over him. [What if Ken's right?] he thought. [What if I don't want to get attached because I'm just afraid to lose him? Didn't Aya say.. it's better to love and lose than not love at all?]  
  
//You cannot save me.  
You can't even save yourself!//  
  
He sat up slowly and walked to the window, gazing outside at the setting sun. "Does it really matter anyway?" he said aloud, somewhat wistfully. He sighed and shook his head. Ken was a mystery to him. With Kase no more than a month dead and Yuriko only hours away in Austrailia. So why would Ken suddenly decide that he wanted Aya's companionship? Aya frowned and leaned on the sill, letting the warm breeze ruffle his hair. No, it definately made no sense.   
Ken was one of the strongest members of Weiß, to that there was no doubt at all. He was also kind, gentle, and somewhat naieve. Aya seriously doubted, however, that he really was as innocent as he seemed. He leaned on the other members of the team, which was all well and good in its own right, but one important thing remained. Ken was trying to get through to Aya, trying to "save" him from his demons, and yet he couldn't bury his own. He still had screaming nightmares about Kase, and might even cry over Yuriko for the next week. Yuriko was a replacement for Kase, perhaps, and Aya did -not- want to be a replacement for either of them.   
  
//I cannot save you.   
I can't even save myself!  
Save yourself!  
So just save yourself!//  
  
Aya shut his window and stood up, spinning around and walking to the bathroom. He gazed into the mirror and hesitantly reached up, putting his fingers on the smooth, cool glass. Dead violet eyes gazed back at him out of a thin, pale face.  
"No," Aya murmured, and the boy in the mirror said the same thing. The rest went unsaid. Ken could not save Aya. Aya could not save Ken. Therefore, it was a relationship that would be doomed from the beginning. Still, however, a bit of hope blossomed in Aya's soul. Maybe someday things would work between the two of them, but not anytime soon. Perhaps not even in this lifetime.  
  
Until both of them could learn to live with themselves, there would be nothing between them.  
  
  
********  
The End  
********  
  
Okay, I hope that sits better. ^.~;;  
  
-- Cheyne  
cheyne@musician.org  
http://gluhen.tripod.com  
AyaxKen no Miko  
8:55 PM 1/20/01 (reworked 3:51 PM 1/24/01) 


End file.
